Admitting “I am not okay”.

Every time I come back here, I always feel like it has been awhile. Actually once in awhile I will write but save it as a draft because it didn’t feel like it was “good enough”. The reason why is because lately I have been failing or having a slight detour.. My personal relationship that has been holding for almost 3 years has been broken, there was a lot of things that did not make me happy. I have always been the type trying to find a solid rock but every time I think I have found one, it wasn’t right. Let say commitment, I always have wanted that & it probably stems from being a orphan growing up.. I have always dreamed of having a lifetime partner young, and growing together to become a family. Of course working on ourselves having a comfortable life. I felt like in my recent relationship, I felt like I was begging to become more and only I was fighting and bring it up. I did not feel secure and I needed that. It was hard, because it was not in my control and it was a lot of work on my part. Cleaning after the person, constant reminders of time, and everything was split and possessive.. not shared. The biggest thing was the talk of ‘marriage’. Finally it had broken and I have to admit I am probably in depression. It showed very slowly because hours of the day passed by me so fast, and not being on time on my class assignments and dropping a class. That was huge because I usually take on a full schedule every semesters petitions for more units to do and passing all my classes with flying colors being on top of it. Now I am struggling and battling with myself, at the worst time because it is time to apply for CSU and UCs. It is not okay, because I have gotten so far so quick, only to see me slip and fall. I am sad and finding help, a therapist to talk to because well its about God dam time. With so many failed relationships in my life, its hard for a person to keep it in.

I cannot take a break to breathe, I grew up in poverty no help. Paycheck to paycheck. No parents to lean on, no where to go home and save money, no parents to talk to every week about feelings. It isn’t going to pay my bills, and if I even stopped to breathe… I would fall even more.

At the moment its time to suck up my feelings and think positive again. Here is a shot of me applying for my first UC with the TAG program (Transfer Admission Guarantee) lets hope it goes through for UC Riverside. I applied for the major of Computer Science and I am so excited. So far I have taken classes for Python, mySQL, and next semesters some C++ and Java! Although I am not highly experienced in it, it is nice to work on things & become frustrated HAHA. Reminds me I have to get some books for my own experience.

Lately I have trying to take up crafts, and photography which I hope you will find exciting with me in the next few posts. I find it relaxing. I am trying to start my own small business in coming months. Anyhoo, like many crafts this made me feel better and more relaxed. I will be honest the dog has been A LOT of work, Odin has been ALOT OF WORK. He is so cute and he loves me haha, I haven’t been taking him on walks since all the saddness/stress but I will do better for him… after tomorrow because I have to study for my math exam to succeed for the future! For myself and future family πŸ™‚

Odin my Great Pyrenees Age: 4 months – ish

Let me begin with I never thought of myself of a dog person, I mean my first “pet” who I believe is family is my Tabby cat Holo. I had gotten him about a little more than 2 years ago (this year he will be 3 years old). It was my first time living alone and I was this dork who had a personality of a cat anyway! I fell in love with Holo and have been so happy with him, cats are very independent. I don’t love him any less, he helps me kill all the bugs in the house and protects me by alerting me someone is at the door! (More than my puppy ever will HAHA).

Anyway looking for Odin breed was a journey because they are not many sites that would lead you to this speicifc breed and if so it would be out of state. Cragslist had old postings, they would be mixed, or a number of other things. Now I do not know if Odin is mixed, and I think he is but he showing a lot of Pyr. and I saw his parents showing full Pyr but you just never know! I actually found a Facebook Group and got in contact with a breeder who was expecting puppies in May, and so I waited awhile.. a few weeks until they came out! Odin was a all white Pyr and the fattest of all! I picked him, and 8 weeks later I picked him up in California!

8 weeks to now… I am now a morning person, not by choice! He will hear my footsteps and bark for me, and not just the morning even at the middle of night! I don’t mind because he knows that I am his mom HAHA. He just gotten finished with his shots about two weeks ago (age:16 weeks). I was very strict in avoiding parvo, because puppies need all their shots before you can take them out to anywhere! I haven’t gotten to take him out for a walk everyday due to the excessive heat over 80 degree at 8am, and now the fire with the air quality! I cannot wait till this clears up more because he loves to run! (I have to slow him down with running due to can be growth issues with this breed). He is about 18 weeks and hes 45ish pounds! He is a absolute bugger when I eat my meals, but he is so smart! He has been crate trained since day 1, he does well in the crate and finds it his little space. He has not had a potty accident in 2 weeks, he knows to scratch the door to go outside haha. He knows the commands sit, paw, other paw, and we are currently working on wait. He learned to bark at me at month 3, and not protect the home because he hasn’t barked at anything, anyone, or any other dog yet! He a big ball of fluff and I keep him cool as much as possible due to his developing double coat in this California heat! Yes, he is a inside doggo and will always be! ❀ He is my little one and Holos brother, and has blessed me to be a dog mom. At time it can be hard, but hes all worth it! In upcoming weeks I hope to dabble back into photography and take amazing pictures for memories to capture memories of us!

Samsung Galaxy 3 Watch

Let me start off with I had a hard time choosing a digital watch that would satisfy my everyday needs, but mainly needs to measure my daily exercise like how many steps I am taking in & do what my phone can do without having it in my hand at that exact moment. I had gone over all the Samsung models since I have a Samsung Note 10 and would like everything just to be synchronized. The only thing I did not agree with in my experience with Samsung products is their tablets, the feel of their tablet feels “light” and I have to give this one to the Apple Ipad Pro. Anyways I love this watch and here are some Pros & Cons I have experienced.

Pros

β™‘ Cute & Stylist (I got the mystic bronze)

β™‘ Has a exercise/running coach (helpful during Covid, since gyms are closed & helps with guidance)

β™‘ Works with Instagram post updates/messages(unable to reply), Facebook Messenger, Emails, and Phone Calls/Texts

β™‘ SOS Feature (Works with the watch itself. Samsung Phones have this feature. Watch will update location as you move until you stop sharing SOS)

β™‘ Syncs with Google Calendar (being a student this helps a lot with dedicating time for Zoom classes, assignments, events & tasks. Having a puppy & cat I have to put time aside for them!)

Cons

β˜† Battery life last about a day & a half

β˜† Bezel paint scratches easily

β˜† Price being high – $400 Bluetooth & not as a big upgrade from the Original Galaxy Watch now being half the price, also the active line being a year old being half the price.

Yippy! On that Update, Here we are!

Firstly off I am clear of the covid virus! Tested negative! Which I am super happy about! Another thing is well last Sunday I had picked up…. (drum roll).. a new family member! A puppy! He is all Great Pyrenees, and his name is Odin! His name is inspired by mythology of Gods, because Odin is going to be a big buddy! πŸ™‚ When you think of Odin the name brings powerful sense, and a brave leader which I think his breed holds well. There will be another whole post just about him! His brother Holo and him are not getting along so much, but I am sure Holo will warm up! He is such a sweet boy! I am a dog and cat mom and I love them both! This is a very new adjustment in my life, I have to watch him every second and give him A LOT of play time. I’d say he is a troublemaker, but a cute one! I cannot wait till all his Parvo shots are done so I can take him everywhere with me! Sidenote: My sister Tray (his aunty) saw him today and thought he was so cute, and is in love with him too! He won’t be this small (7 weeks) for long! Tomorrow I have so much to do! I am taking this guy to the vet, lots of errands and paperwork, and a full day of homework! I do work part time and that takes some time out of my week as well. I am having mid terms this week for my three summer classes, so school work is priority! I signed up for my last semester at junior college at fall then time apply for my transfer! Most likely to a university! In the area? I am not sure but may be in the Bay area!? Anywhere I may be my family will be with me Holo and Odin! & who knows who else πŸ˜› ❀

Love Holo, Odin, & me! Nighty!

Where my Dark Humor Stems From

Hello there whoooever it may be :P,

I am probably the last person to talk about my feelings to a black hole, but probably the best person who makes the best dark jokes. There has always been a struggle of somewhat in my life, although I never shown it. I, being the happiest person maybe to the fault of being seen to be the most naive person in the room… There has been much forgiveness and letting it go I have faced to make my smile brighter and my heart stronger.

Dark Humor: Black comedy, also known as black humor, dark comedy, dark humor, or gallows humor, is a style of comedy that makes light of subject matter that is generally considered taboo, particularly subjects that are normally considered serious or painful to discuss.

Recently, I have been placed in a compromised situation of the virus. I am not sure if I have it or not, but until I get my test result I won’t know. I have been quarantined from my significant other who I have been with for over 2 years for a couple of days, and in recent conversation it has not been taken in a sensitive matter…

What had happened, flashed me back to my childhood. Where a important lesson was taught to me by my sisters. Both of my parents within a year apart had passed away from cancer, I did not understand at age 10 and 11 years old to grasp the severity of their cancer. Everyday I would visit/be there for my parents whether it be at the hospital, hospice, and when my mom was brought home. I just remember going. I was there for my dad when he fell and got diagnosed the next day, at the age of 10 or 11 years old I administered pills routinely at nine pm every night and taken my moms blood pressure which was all logged in a notebook. That was hard in itself since she had cancer and a long lived mental illness prior, this was my part of what I had to do to help my family and my parents health. I think this a big lesson to be there for someone whether in sickness or in health. At the time I was a team member in my family and we all did our parts.

Anyways until I get my test result back, I am trying to stay as positive as possible. Until then I have three summer school classes to keep me busy, my sleeping schedule has been absolute whack since all of the stress from my personal life and time managing my classes. Anyways hope anyone and everyone best of health & whatever situation you may face, be strong!

❀ Lisa

First Post Here :P

Hello World! (This is a funny way to start off because this is the first line everyone writes in whatever coding language you choose! It always brings a smile to my face). Yes! This is my blog, as cheesy it may be! I will be honest… I have started one up before without a main focus, and most likely this one may be the same way πŸ˜› maybe not so serious, because WHO is reading this?! This is a cheesy hobby, but its mine! Maybe a way to keep tabs on myself, and my life to look back at?! Journalish like?! (There is A LOT of MAYBES in this, but oh wells! Gotta have some quirks!)

Side note: I signed up for summer registration today and excited for new classes! By winter I will be done with junior college, and be able to transfer wherever I am accepted! Time during junior college has been so quick, actually I am surprised I will be able to transfer with a completion of a year and a half. After, another 2 or 3 years (depending how fast I go) to my degree πŸ™‚ (I say I had a lot of setbacks, is why I started so late. Numbers of things!!!). Better have of done then to never have done and live with regret. Although I may not be going as the same pace as others, I have kept my peace with that as we all go at different speeds as we all do not start and end at the same line career wise as there is factor that go into it.

Anyway signing off! Over and out!

Photo taken from Pinterest