Admitting “I am not okay”.

Every time I come back here, I always feel like it has been awhile. Actually once in awhile I will write but save it as a draft because it didn’t feel like it was “good enough”. The reason why is because lately I have been failing or having a slight detour.. My personal relationship that has been holding for almost 3 years has been broken, there was a lot of things that did not make me happy. I have always been the type trying to find a solid rock but every time I think I have found one, it wasn’t right. Let say commitment, I always have wanted that & it probably stems from being a orphan growing up.. I have always dreamed of having a lifetime partner young, and growing together to become a family. Of course working on ourselves having a comfortable life. I felt like in my recent relationship, I felt like I was begging to become more and only I was fighting and bring it up. I did not feel secure and I needed that. It was hard, because it was not in my control and it was a lot of work on my part. Cleaning after the person, constant reminders of time, and everything was split and possessive.. not shared. The biggest thing was the talk of ‘marriage’. Finally it had broken and I have to admit I am probably in depression. It showed very slowly because hours of the day passed by me so fast, and not being on time on my class assignments and dropping a class. That was huge because I usually take on a full schedule every semesters petitions for more units to do and passing all my classes with flying colors being on top of it. Now I am struggling and battling with myself, at the worst time because it is time to apply for CSU and UCs. It is not okay, because I have gotten so far so quick, only to see me slip and fall. I am sad and finding help, a therapist to talk to because well its about God dam time. With so many failed relationships in my life, its hard for a person to keep it in.

I cannot take a break to breathe, I grew up in poverty no help. Paycheck to paycheck. No parents to lean on, no where to go home and save money, no parents to talk to every week about feelings. It isn’t going to pay my bills, and if I even stopped to breathe… I would fall even more.

At the moment its time to suck up my feelings and think positive again. Here is a shot of me applying for my first UC with the TAG program (Transfer Admission Guarantee) lets hope it goes through for UC Riverside. I applied for the major of Computer Science and I am so excited. So far I have taken classes for Python, mySQL, and next semesters some C++ and Java! Although I am not highly experienced in it, it is nice to work on things & become frustrated HAHA. Reminds me I have to get some books for my own experience.

Lately I have trying to take up crafts, and photography which I hope you will find exciting with me in the next few posts. I find it relaxing. I am trying to start my own small business in coming months. Anyhoo, like many crafts this made me feel better and more relaxed. I will be honest the dog has been A LOT of work, Odin has been ALOT OF WORK. He is so cute and he loves me haha, I haven’t been taking him on walks since all the saddness/stress but I will do better for him… after tomorrow because I have to study for my math exam to succeed for the future! For myself and future family 🙂